If You Can’t Hear Me, Don’t Blame My Face: What Masking Costs Us at Work

If you’ve ever been punished for what your face is doing while someone else is talking, welcome. You’re not broken.

“My face gets me in trouble” was my go-to joke for years. I didn’t realize how much cognitive effort I was burning just to make other people comfortable.

Masking Isn’t Transparency. It’s Survival.

I still remember learning to “control my face” in fifth grade. I noticed people reacting to expressions I wasn’t intentionally making, and I quickly understood that life felt easier when I could shape how others perceived me.

By adulthood, this had become second nature. I was a leadership trainer, a high-functioning executive, and a mom of four. I had perfected the art of facial professionalism. The problem? It wasn’t free.

Every forced smile and carefully timed eyebrow raise cost me cognitive capacity—one of the five types of leadership capacity we teach in our Burnout Prevention Training.

Because burnout isn’t always about doing too much. Sometimes, it’s about holding back too much of who you really are.

A Smile That Changed Everything

Recently, I had a moment that snapped it all into focus.

I was mid-workflow at my desk when my then-partner stepped in to remind me of something I’d said I’d do. My brain instantly went through four streams of thought—remembering the task, connecting it to a Costco list, picturing her in Costco (adorable), and chuckling at the memory.

That chuckle triggered a smile.

And that smile, to her, read as “I don’t care.”

The look in her eyes said it all. And in that flash of disconnection, I saw what had been happening in my relationships—at home and at work—for decades.

Masking Is Cognitive Labor

In high-pressure leadership environments, especially in corporate cultures that prize polish over presence, many of us are unconsciously using cognitive capacity to perform, rather than connect.

And the truth is: masking isn’t free. It drains the mental bandwidth we need to think clearly, lead decisively, and stay emotionally regulated.

This is especially true for leaders with ADHD, Complex PTSD, or high-functioning anxiety. And it often starts young. For me, masking was a trauma response—something I developed after growing up in a home where misreading facial expressions could lead to real consequences.

As a Phoenix-based leadership speaker and burnout prevention expert, I hear stories like this all the time from women and neurodivergent leaders across industries.

We’ve been praised for being “transparent” or “expressive,” but inside we’re exhausted, burning through capacity just to be interpreted correctly.

Here’s the Leadership Cost

We’ve all been there, restating our point with our tone, posture, and entire face because our words weren’t taken at face value.

But what if you didn’t have to spend your mental energy managing misinterpretation?

What if you got to just say the thing, and let it stand?

What if clarity was enough?

That’s what I call Cognitive Capacity—the mental clarity, flexibility, and presence we need to lead well without burning out.

And it’s one of the five hidden capacities I’ll be teaching about at the AZSHRM Conference this August, right here in Phoenix.

Because leaders are burning out from managing optics, overthinking interactions, and performing clarity instead of embodying it.

TL;DR? Try This:

Next time you find yourself restating your perfectly clear point—with your face, your tone, your posture, just so they get it—try saying this instead:

“If you can’t listen to what I’m saying, don’t blame my face for what you heard.”

Let that capacity return to your brain where it belongs.

Ready to Build Real Capacity?

If your organization is ready to move from performance to presence, let’s talk. I offer burnout prevention training for leaders and teams across Phoenix and beyond.

We’re done with superficial fixes. It’s time to reclaim the five hidden capacities we actually need to become leaders who last.

If this hit a nerve, be sure you’re subscribed to our newsletter, at the bottom of our home page. Reach out if you’re ready for a leadership speaker who gets it.
And share this post with someone who keeps misreading your damn face.